Do you ever wake up after a full night’s sleep with the feeling you were clenching your teeth the whole night? A slight headache, the feeling that you could sleep another hour or 6, feeling that you are dragging around 30 lbs of extra stress that doesn’t even belong to you? Am I right?! We have all been there. A few month ago, I caught myself clenching in the middle of a yoga sesh when the instructor reminded the class, but I know she was talking directly to me, to loosen your jaw and unfurrow your brow, you know while you did a humble warrior bind. She said, “Let it go”, inside my mind that was so full of so many other things at the time, I kind of laughed until I realize she was talking directly to me. I was so inside my thoughts of what will happen, how it will happen, can I get my mojo back, do they like me, am I smart, why it wasn’t my choice, how I got to that place that. I did not even realize I had flowed through half the class without a focus to clear those thoughts, don’t even think I was breathing because I immediately took child’s pose and started to cry. I was just going through the motions, but I was clenching my teeth in rage screaming though my closed mouth tight jaw thinking someone would hear me.
I had lived my life that way, teeth clenched thoughts swirling, for exactly 8 months and 1 day. I know you are thinking, “really, exactly?” … Yes, really it started June 19th, 2018 and my last day was February 20th. Now, I want to be clear, I was not forced to make the choices I made. I could have left at that moment and any moment, of many, following that when my gut wrenched to prove to me something was not right. They are choices that I thought I was making for the good of someone/something else. I have always served and chosen the happiness and success of others over mine, that is my nature. Granted, I am a selfish bitch and I own it, I want to be the best and I want to glory. If it isn’t about me then it isn’t fun or exciting, but most of the time those thoughts reside in my own my own mind. I live life without fear but for those 8 months and 1 day I was fearful I would disappoint, fail, look bad, make others look bad and ruin a chance to grow. I was afraid EVERY DAY. All those fears that sprouted in June of ’18 out of insecurities and ambition grew to a tooth clenching monster of a vine that choked every aspect of my voice. I didn’t even want to karaoke, fearful the mic would go dead!
I realized after, on the day that things ended, that I was talking but no one was listening much like the last 8 months. I was choking my own voice, in the form of an energy cord. My friend and Reiki Healer, Leigh, helped me release the vine on the 8th month and 5th day of my nightmare or as I refer to it as the 1st day of my voice. She had discovered an energy chord that was not serving me, pause here to absorb all the Reiki wisdom and if you want to judge I will let you take a moment. Now that you have speculated, I will tell to live your life girl and book an appointment immediately. You have unharnessed potential that might just be cleared with a light touch and a sharp spiritual sword. After seeing bubbles of light all the colors except blue – I couldn’t get blue – and near the end of our session I thought “are her hands on my feet or my head” “why can I only see this sword and ash or like a burnt wall” and then all the sudden I felt her hands along my feet and goosebumps covered my body. At that moment I no longer saw a sword or the burnt but I saw liquid gold and blue like the sun burning in the sky over the ocean, and I started to ugly cry, eyes closed I could barely contain myself until Leigh gave me her hand, sans tissue, and said “Girl, I just released some nasty stuff, let it go”. Let it go…I heard those words months ago from a yoga instructor who I can’t remember – here they were once again reminding me to let it go. I released the chord, the 30lbs, the tightness in my throat and my teeth.
So, in this longer than usual post I say 3 things:
- Never stay if you are serving others more than your own needs – no matter what the situation – if you turn into a different person- leave, walk, run – live YOUR life girl!
- Get yourself to a healer (my friend Leigh is amazing!). Let your fears go and be open to healing so you can…live your life girl!
- When you go sleep tonight, I want you to say 3 things that are just for you (example: I am worthy of love, I am heard, I am living my life girl)
“Let it hurt, let it bleed, let it heal, let it go.” – Nikita Gill