It’s Fine

It’s fine, I’ll be fine, We…will be just fine. Do you find yourself saying this more often? I have. Mostly to my cat who doesn’t ask but I can see it in his eyes on those days where he follows me everywhere and has a radar on me whenever I move from room to room. I reassure him it’s fine, we are going to be just fine.

I can’t not write about a global pandemic. This is a life changing, challenging, controversial event. It is more than a big deal – it is the big deal. There are so many opinions floating in the air about how it started, how to fix it, and how we will be able to ‘go back to normal’. I’ve spent countless hours (but really I have lost count on how many hours it is) just researching the conspiracy theories of the left, right, and center but that hasn’t changed how I feel some days, and it won’t change how I feel tomorrow. I did find myself in a worm hole a few weeks ago. The internal struggles I face daily took a back seat while my brain consumed news story after news story, articles about vaccines or no vaccines, and social media posts telling me ‘its okay to be not okay’. I needed to feel those not okay feelings and I needed it not to be okay to not be okay. OK, now I’m confused. Let me lay down some foundation to this thought.

When I was small, maybe even from birth, I felt my feelings with all my soul. I cried, I laughed, I yelled when I felt I needed to do so. My parents were traditional and did tell me to stop crying and did ask in between lectures “why I was so sensitive”. I didn’t know the answers then and I don’t know the answer today. I just feel things with all of me. Which I discovered a few weeks ago I was feeling them, eating them, laying in bed paralyzed with them. I can say it has been hard living alone during a pandemic but that really isn’t the hard part. I enjoy my solitude and always have. But I get energy from being around others, I crave it and need it to survive. I could go to the grocery and feel like I took a B vitamin IV without saying one word to another person. It’s the lack of plans or hope or something to look forward to that had me down. I struggled to answer the phone and pretend all was good. In order for me to get out of the stuck I had to admit it wasn’t fine, I wasn’t fine. Once I felt that pain and grief, I was able to move on from it. I let it consume me for a day, or 3, and then I moved on. I got up and fueled my body with healthy foods, and maybe a pizza because we are still in a pandemic and come on …it’s pizza.

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