Some Good Love

My heart skipped a beat, literally, but according to Dr. Simon everything looks normal. I noticed it after a string of very vivid dreams about some past loves. I can’t explain the feeling, but I woke up with some peace unlike in the past when I would wake up with a sense of fear that at any moment I would run into him or receive a “long time no see” text. As if I summoned his presence from my sub-conscious. For the last 20 years we have been playing this game after our 6-month love affair ended. I say affair not because he was married but because it was quite an affair. My heart skipped a beat the moment I saw him with a broom in his hand, and my heart continued to skip every time I would see him. It skipped even more when we kissed for the first time in the early morning that June. Yes, the sun was slowing rising, the birds chirping us along and our passion warmed my skin like only a summer morning could – it was like we were playing out a scene from one of those cheesy flipping romance novels. Honestly – you can literally make this stuff up! The night before we stayed up all night talking, and I don’t even remember what we talked about but after that kiss I never needed to sleep again. That is just what kind of chemistry we had. I remember that morning sometimes when I see a sunrise and remember being so in love. I wish my memory wasn’t so good because I also remember my heart stopping when we ended it, well when he ended it – I didn’t have a choice. He was a coward, but I loved him – my heart didn’t give me a choice either. So, like a normal girl, I started building my wall. You know, there is something about a princess in a tower – she probably just got really hurt by a not so valiant prince and vowed like I did never to let anyone hurt me like he did. He broke me in so many ways. Broke my trust in men and relationships and muddied my thoughts on love. Every now and then throughout the past 20 years I built a bridge for a few boys, even for him to have another chance at skipping my heart but few made it passed the moat.  

Recently, I discovered that someone could make my heart skip in a different way – a good way. I realized that I was breaking down my walls just when it may have been too late. He didn’t know my walls were down and when he disappointed me, I felt that deep scar reopen.   I can’t blame him for not knowing I had changed our relationship, I just thought he might have changed on his side too. I thought I was tough, I thought I was smart about letting someone in. You can’t blame me for finding a little love in a time of war and uncertainty. If you were telling me this story, you know what I would say…live your life girl. Go get that love, go get that escape. Escape was what it was for both of us I know. When we were together it felt safe, and happy and like the craziness of the world was further away then my front door.  My heart is skipping as I am writing this hoping that he will still love me for who I am, boys really say that stuff and I really believed him. If this is the end of our love affair, I won’t regret the time or the love we shared. I will start living my life with my walls down a little more each day.

I know that my heart has a lot of potential and I think in some crazy way it is trying to tell me that it is time to close the chapter on bad love and make room for some good love. A love that is open and honest and willing to take all of me. My heart is skipping because it is healing from some deep scars that I thought would never heal. If you have ever felt that skip or have never felt that skip in your heart, don’t ever give up on it. Keep the wall low enough to let those deserving of the journey in and in the meantime, you can always have a little fun until he finally makes it across the moat.