Love. We all want it – we all want to give it – we all need it to survive. I have given a lot of love in my life and I have received some in return. I came across a post this morning that made me think about our past experiences with love and why they affect us so. I’ll be honest I have been truly hurt over and over by lovers, boyfriends, best friends and even family members. They all hurt, they all make you cry, and no matter how hard you try to move on they stick to the sides of your heart like bad peanut butter to the roof of your mouth. You think about it each time you meet someone new that you invite into your world. I am sure I have written about heartbreak before so I won’t go in to all times I have picked myself up and dusted myself off because someone decided I was not worth it, that I was not what they wanted or who they wanted me to be. I’ll say this before I move on to my point – if someone tries to change who you are just to fit a picture in their head and everything in your body is fighting it – then fight it, live your life girl and walk away. Find those who love you for all of you – not just the parts they think are cool. After the harsh cold of Winter comes the warm sun and sweetness of Spring – you can not have one without the other.
I have been working on learning to love myself as much as I love others and I have been struggling with it daily. I started in 2020 as I moved into my new home with a new mindset – that was easy it was fresh start. I didn’t pack those old feelings of pain and I didn’t bring the dusty baggage with me or so I though. Then COVID and while everyone struggled around me, I felt strong and productive. Each day I expressed my gratitude and recited my self-love mantra. I started each day with a new list of personal and professional goals and did pretty good at meeting them each day. Some where between the end of the year and today I have lost that get up and go. I know I deserve to love myself – because I am pretty darn great – but I can’t seem to stick with it. I get a few days in and then I start beating myself up, unpacking the pain, opening the dusty baggage, emotionally eating, binge watching a show I have seen 4 times already to escape reality, hours of candy crush – don’t judge you know you do it too, crushing candy is so awesome. I find anything to distract myself so I don’t have to spend the 20 minutes on the treadmill, or the 30 minutes journaling to build this blog, or leaving the house to get those 1 or 2 item or the 10 minutes at night for some self-care routines that, let’s face it, at my age will only benefit me. All those things will benefit me in the long term and some if them in the very short term but my self-fulfilling prophecy (read/watch The Secret) is sabotaging my progress. I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way especially right now when so many grieve and so many struggle to provide for their families and themselves. Maybe I am having deep empathy and guilt because I can succeed in a time when others can’t of no fault of their own. Maybe it’s retrograde, maybe my inner child is haunting me with thoughts of worthlessness. Whatever is holding me back is deep in my head. It comes from the scars I carry with me, the baggage I have carried for others and the fear of future pain. My best friend reminded me yesterday that the girl she knows is fearless and at times I am 100% but these last few weeks I am so afraid of ghosts that don’t exist. How do I get through this fog and continue my purpose? How do I remember to love myself every day? Like Valentine’s Day it takes more than roses or dinner out once a year to show those you love how deep it goes. I am sharing with you because I bet, I am not alone, and I want you to know you are not alone.
Now you might think I am sad and I am but I am aware of my emotions and that is important. Don’t pity me or feel bad that I am struggling. I have great job, a roof over my head I can feed myself and my cats a little too much and I have a warm bed to snuggle in when I get scared. Living your life girl will come with pain and ghosts and unfortunately, we can’t all be boss bitches all the time everyday sometimes we just gotta be bitches. Pushing people away when they get too close, drinking too much wine because it’s snowing…again and blocking those social media profiles that just get your blood boiling. Not to mention if you don’t wanna wash your hair because it takes way to long to dry and you know you are not leaving the house for another 2 days then ….live your life girl and throw it up in a high bun – no side part needed.
Tomorrow is Thursday and guess what? It’s a brand-new day to start loving yourself. I will be living my life girl and loving myself with some PM self-reflection. I took a little time during my dinner prep to write down all the things that made me smile today and it felt amazing! I will be pouring myself a little wine, just little sis don’t worry – because its cold and I want to. Taking each day one at a time will be my mantra until I clear some fog. Showing myself, I am worthy of receiving and giving love will help guide me through. Reminding myself that succeeding is not a crime and that being consistent with my purpose helps others find their purpose. I was reminded by another friend that my last post reached her at the right time, and I am hoping there is a boss bitch out there with dirty hair that needs to hear this post. Kick out those ghosts and look for the sun because it will come out again even through the snowflakes. For each of reading this today do me a favor and comment on this post something you love about yourself – it will be contagious, and I will love you more for it! Live your life girl and love yourself!