Ambition is a Bitch

Somedays I feel myself starting to unravel.  I feel the tension in my neck and I wake up with my jaw tight from my self-consciousness grinding away.  For weeks I have felt lost, my sneaky ambition strikes again. She wants more this time, and she deserves it. I have been plugging away delivering projects at work and keeping my head above the water all healthy like. I have been making great progress with my health and have felt emotionally stable for months. So why do I feel it unravelling? In the past when I feel this uneasiness I try to get to the root of the feeling. I do mind maps and visualizations even started meditating. I cannot figure out the root of this unravel. I broke down last week trying to set some intentions for the next 3 months, 1 year, 3 years and a lifetime. Lifetime? I barely know what I want to wear while I work from home. Tears started to roll down my face and I felt a heavy weight being lifted. I was emotional because I cannot figure out what I want for the rest of my life and the weight lifting was exactly that – me realizing that was the root. The uncertainty of my big picture. My why and my purpose was either fighting to get out and be noticed or scared to come out and see the sun. I feel like I have been floating for most of my life but over the last year floating seemed like a great idea. A safe place to heal.

My niece is a senior in high school, and she is focused on her future, she figured it out early and she has those genes that will help her do anything she puts her mind to. Looking through her senior picture reel I can see the determination in her eyes. I imagine she is a little nervous and maybe scared about a new adventure but since she was a little darling baby, she lived her life girl – fearless! Chewing on lemons like candy, trying new foods like a skilled chef. I still remember her requesting hummus and Havarti cheese for her packed lunches at a very young age. She would dive into a swimming pool and run careless and free in my parent’s backyard. She has a great support system and even if she didn’t, she will be able to accomplish anything she wants. I know everyone says that about the younger generation but trust me there are those people who don’t put their minds to anything, and it happens for them and on the other hand there are those that try and try and give up. I have been both of those types of people. It occurred to me while looking at her latest IG story of all her senior days and Football Fridays that I had never been focused in high school on what I wanted.  I was smart…enough and pretty…enough and I floated by. I kept a small group friends but was friendly to everyone, I struggled enough to keep me grounded but I still floated right through graduation and right through a little college. As more tears started to flow, I immediately thought of my middle school guidance counselor, who I idolized. I wanted to be just like her. I look back and remember the career assessment and wonder why I didn’t become just like her.  I am in my early 40’s and I am still looking back at that eighth-grade dot assessment that tells you what you would be good at. By the way I still have mine and it revealed a teacher, counselor, artist, salesperson as my options.

Two years ago, I changed professions or rather the line of work I was in, I am not too proud to not call what I do for a living my profession. I needed to reset my purpose and my mind. I needed a safe place to heal. Now that I have healed and feel stable, my ambition is screaming “live your life girl”! I asked her what did she thinks that means, what does living my life girl …mean? She didn’t respond, she’s kind of a bitch. Like a prophet speaking in riddles, she drops these heavy demands and just leaves me with all the hard work with no easy ways out. Apparently, she is tired floating and wants to break out and live.

Ambition is defined as a desire and determination to achieve success. Yes, I looked it up! Desire is definitely her style. She feeds the desire like that amazing first kiss that you want more of, making you goofy smile just thinking about it. She, Ambition, sneaks up on you and catches fire to the small idea that turns into gold giving your ego a much-needed boost. So why do we fight against her, why do we push her down and out of sight when we are not ready for her. Why do I hush her when she screams to live my life girl? It’s scary when you don’t have the answers. When Ambition fuels my desire, I don’t always have the determination to feed her. I get lost in what it is I am trying to achieve instead of just sitting down and putting my mind to it. I need to understand what success is. How will I know when I have it? Will Ambition tell me when I achieve it?  I also have those genes, just like niece. I can do anything I want to. If I feed Ambition enough determination, she will give me the purpose and the passion to get it done. Until I fully understand what 3 months, 1 year, 3 years or a lifetime looks like for me I will continue to feed ambition every day. Whether its small acts of determination, like making the bed every morning or large feats that challenge me like folding the clothes directly out of the dryer – eek – I must feed her or she will lash out and start unraveling me until I pay attention.  So, today I will listen to ambition and live my life girl! You should do the same if you hear your ambition sneaking up on you. Invite them in, make them a cocktail and you know the rest… live your life girl.