So Blessed, So Grateful, So Thankful

I woke up at 2:28 AM and could not fall back asleep, my mind wandered from subject to subject none of which were critical to the next 24 hours of my life. I thought about the laundry I could do but could wait till Sunday. I thought about what my cat’s thought when I tossed and turned but tossed and turned anyway. I thought about how I used to get booty calls at this time but don’t anymore. I thought if my neighbor Mary could hear my windchime and if it annoyed her but I kind of liked the sound when the wind blows. I thought about the strange sound, and what it could have been and if I might hear sirens, but I didn’t. I thought about how quiet it was and if that’s why that strange sound sounded so loud but then I thought about why I couldn’t sleep, again.

I was living my unemployed life girl, trust me it’s a thing. Applying to jobs everyday sending interview availability and getting more and more excited aka impatient about what my future adventure might look like.  But I still woke up in the early morning with heavy thoughts. It was nights, or I guess mornings, like these that made me grateful for not having a set schedule the next day. I could always nap after my 20th application for the day was completed.  I tossed and turned until the cats got tired of me and abandoned their cozy slumbers at the foot of my bed. I turned on the news and started thinking about the world and all the turmoil going on. The suffering of those in war torn countries and all those in need not only worlds away but right here in our city. I thought about how extraordinary it was to hear about the new supreme court justice and how unextraordinary it was that this was just now happing in 2022. Thinking about the state of the world and current events did not help me to fall back asleep but I did drift off between traffic and weather sometime around 5 AM. I woke up for the day a couple hours later and thought how grateful I was to roll out of a warm king-sized bed and how guilty and privileged it made me feel.  Even though I was going through a very rough time, emotionally, financially, and spiritually I still felt guilty for not giving gratitude every single day. That morning was a turning point.

Later that afternoon on my way to a family dinner, hosted by my big sister, I focused on my drive. It was an easy 20 minutes on the highway and a sleepy 10 minutes through town. It was a gloomy day where the clouds looked mysterious. The storm clouds rolled by and looked like the ocean turning waves over and over. As I watched them and the road simultaneously, I felt an emotion coming over me that moved me to tears. Tears had been common in the past month as I felt all my emotions sometimes in one day from healing to regret and from mourning to overwhelming love. Sometimes I broke down just looking into Leo’s eyes as he slow blinked at me while I patted his furry butt. Come on now, he’s my cat and this is a serious post. This was not that. This was familiar. From time to time, I’ve asked some special guardians to look over me and give me the strength with the lessons I was learning that I desperately needed to master before moving on. I had been feeling like they were busy looking after those more in need. The emotion felt like a hug from someone who knows you need it and as soon as I realized what day it was, I looked back up, almost over my shoulder, and the sun peeked through the sky full of storm clouds. A bright warm glow for just a moment, enough to remind me that he was there.  He had been there this whole time placing his hand on my shoulder to help guide me through. I am not an overly spiritual person. I believe in a high power; I believe in angels and spirits and the devil. My beliefs are not important, living your life girl however you want to, spiritually, is up to you. You can call it whatever you want to or nothing at all. What matters is when we need it the most there is something, someone, some action that helps us get through the things we need to get through.

So, I know you are wondering who he is…right? He is one person or many that watch over me and has watched over me since I was very small. This day, though, it was him my Uncle Ronnie.   I am certain he was moving the clouds just enough to remind me he is there even though I don’t feel like he is. This day was the day he left the earth many years ago, 37 to be exact, to do some very important things for us. I woke up early that morning as I have many times struggling to fall back asleep.  That morning I like to think maybe he stirred me awake to remind me to be grateful no matter what I have or no matter what others have lost. Every day matters and that day mattered a little more to me to live my life girl more grateful, a little more humble, and more aware that there will always be a break in the clouds, a reason to smile and to believe that happy tears are the best tears.

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