Just A Little

Summer is setting on the horizon; I could tell when the sun filled my room and warmed neglected corners just like it did last Fall. I felt a sense of sadness because I knew something else was ending and I was not ready for it to pass. I recently let myself fall in love and even though it scared the hell out of me I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. Besides how could I live my life girl and walk away from a love like his. I met him at a time that I should have been taking more time for myself. I met him when it wasn’t convenient, and we still made love grow. Our commonality made me feel safe to bare my scars and I hoped he felt the same.  There were times when we were together, I felt like I never wanted another love while I envisioned our life together. Seeing a future was not something I did with many partners because I knew eventually, they would move on to someone better suited, someone with less scars, someone who would give everything to them. There were other times I wondered if I could repeat a bad night or if I could recover from the sharp jabs he gave when we disagreed. Like many loves before I didn’t end it when I thought maybe it was too much for me to handle or at the first insult that made me cry. I didn’t want to run when things got rough because that was easy, that was what worked for me in the past, and I didn’t want to lose the love we had grown in such a short time. We both brought our past into this chapter and unfortunately it was what stopped nourishing our love to grow. I didn’t want to feel like I was a hassle to him, he didn’t want to feel guilty that I needed more.

Like the sun setting differently from day to day as summer fades I woke up yesterday feeling myself spiral into past behaviors. I don’t know where I learned that I wasn’t enough, that the love I deserved comes with me changing who I was to fit them. I am sure the universe is sitting back watching this play out and challenging me to be sure I have learned to put myself first even if it will break my heart again.  I still feel that maybe he is that one person that I could share this life with, but it makes me sad that he won’t feel that way about me. He has built up his wall and cut ties with me and while I sit and wonder what I could have done to prevent this hurt I hate to think he blames me too.  I know I will need more from him, and I made that decision with his feelings in mind. For me to show that I truly love him I had to free him of my expectations. I am at the point in the relationship that I want to share every part of my life and I am not sure he was quite ready for that or to accept the love I was giving him.

As I sit here writing my heart physically hurts from the thought this is over – or that he really didn’t care for me as much as he said, or that I am giving up, or that I am destined to love unavailable men. I know that in order to live my life girl I must stop judging myself so harshly. I know that when someone you care for tears you down in the twilight hours, purposely pushing you away with sharp words and truths they didn’t remember sharing, it is time to step away and give them room to heal and live their life just the way they need to. In the past I would have stayed and given the pass the next morning for bad behavior and blamed myself for overreacting or being too emotional or not being chill enough. And I did give him a pass because I loved him and isn’t love accepting the good with the bad? But when you take the time to wash away the morning and really sift through what stuck from the night before you can not deny those words that still hit deep and the words that keep repeating when things get tough.

I’ve waited before for them to be ready to love me and they never did. I’ve given in because my heart told me too and it took years to recover. I changed who I was, so they might love that part of me. I let them disrespect me because I was too lonely to care. Just like the times before my heart will stay open for him a little longer because I don’t want to let go of the way he holds me at night, or the way my hand fits with his, or the way he makes me smile when he is silly or the way we laugh at the same things. I don’t want to let go of the love he gave me or the love I was finally able to give him.  I want to live my life girl thinking about our life together. I want him to live his life free from fear knowing he can be loved. I want to remind myself I can be loved too and in my deepest heart know maybe he did, just a little.